Latest Jokes of The year

Today i was cooking chicken when i added green palak.


Chicken started singing & dancing :


" HUM PE YE KIS NE HARA RANG DALA
MAR DALA MAR DALA "


When i call you..
1. Ringing means i m thinking u.
2. Ringing means i like u.
3. Ringing means i miss u.
4. Ringing means i need u.
5. Ringing means behray phone utha


aap zindagi main buhat agay jaow gay
      buhat agay jaow gay......... ......
      kiuke
      app jahan bhi jawo gay sab app say
      ye kahain gain
      "chal bay chal agay chall"


aap kitnay achay hain
      aap kitnay piyaray hain
      app lagtay hum ko chand sitaray hain
      aap hum ko jan say bhi piyaray hain
      aur ek ham hain
      jo kab say jhoot bolay ja rahain hain


 Aahat si koi aye to lagta hai ki tum ho.
      Hawa koi lehrayi to lagta hai ki tum ho.
      Ab tum hi batao,
      kya tum kisi BHOOT se kam ho ?


Teri yaad mein humne kalam uthaayi
       liya paper aur tasveer aapki bnayi
       socha tha ki usko dil se laga kar rakhenge
       magar vo to bacho ko draane ke kaam aayi...


Yeh mat sochna ki hum bhool jayenge tuemhe,
       Door rehkar bhi hamesha
       chahenge tumhe,Agar Dost bankar raas na aaye to
       Bhoot bankar darayenge tumhe


Life without u is impossible,
      u r in my breath and blood.
      i cant stay for a second without u,
      if u r not there i am dead oye hello i am
      talking about OXYGEN.....


Neem k 4 patte lo


2 ko 1glass pani me boil karo aur


2 ki chatni banao


Phir


chatni ko us pani k sath kha lo


Inshahallah


Kanjosi


K sare jaraseem mar jayenge.



congratulations:
amir khan ki film


"TARAY ZAMEEN PER"


KI KAMYABI KE BAAD APNI FILM K 2ND PART K LIYE AAP


KO CHUN LIYA HAY.JIS MEIN AAP KA BUHAT MAIN ROLE


HAI.


FILM KA NAAM HAI


BAGAIRAT ZAMEEN PER. 



App Mujhay
Aik jaga
Se boht
Payary
Lagtay hain ?
Maloom hai kahan say ?
Door se!=)


If in examination hall
during d exam
u feel tht d paper is tough,
dont worry.
Just close ur eyes,
take a deep breath
n say 2 urself
"Dis is a very interesting subject.
I want to study it one more time"


Parh likh kar kya karna hai,


Akhir Ek din sabko marna hai,


Mar kar bhi agar janam liya,


to fir sala nursery se hi to parhna hai



Human brain is an outstaNDING OBJECT.
IT FUNCTIONS 24 hours,
52 weeks,
365 days


right frm our birth.......








and stops










when we enter the examination hall.



Din me chain nahi,raat ko neend nahi


jee nahi lagta hai kahin


Ae Khuda kya ye pyaar hai??"


"Nahi beta sabhi exams walo ka yehi haal hai"



What is FEAR ? ?












FEAR is.... that deep, wrenching feeling when pages of your book still smell new and d exam is just 1 day away!!!!



Hawaon ne rukh hai badla,


Chehron pe udasi chayi hai,


Kahan pehle parties, masti aur hath me dew thi,


Ab to bus xeroxed notes, sukhe biscuit aur ye parhai hai.......




SomeOne..
MiSSES U..
NeeDS U..
Worries About U
Lonely Without U
Guess Who?
THE MONKEY IN
... THE ZOO ..


U R the one who is CHARMING
U R the one who is INTELLIGENT
U R the one who is CUTE
and I am the One who is spreading these RUMOURS



Rangeen Ho tum rangon Se Bhi Zyada Khubsoorat ho Tum  Khoobsoorti Se Bhi zyada  Agar Aisa sochte Ho to BewQoof Ho Tum Sab Se Bhi Zyada


U ¤ ¤¤ ¤¤¤¤
U R ¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤
U R S¤ ¤¤¤¤¤
U R SO ¤¤¤¤¤
U R SO ¤¤¤¤T
U R SO ¤¤¤ET
U R SO ¤¤EET
"U R SO DHEET"


Har Bar apki tareef nae ho skti.



Teacher:
Batao Daryaaft or Ejaad mein kya farq hy?


Sardar Student:
Mere baap ne meri maa ko Daryaft kya aur phr dono ne mil kr mujhy Ejad kya.



History Teacher : From where to
where did the mughals rule ?


Student: Sir, I am not sure but
I think from page 15 to 26.

Valentine's Day Sms

Valentine's Day Sms

""ELAAN-E-AAM"" Dosto Te Mitro, Markazi Royat-e-Pyar Commetti Ne Elaan Kiya Hai K Valentines Day Ka Chand Nazar Aa Gaya Hai, Lehaza Kal 14 February, 2 Rakat Namaz-e-ISHQ Farz Saath 4 Larkiyon K Peechay Apni Mashooq K, Mu Taj Mehal Ki Taraf, Ba Awaz-e-Buland.... ""I LOVE YOU""

---

Dil Ko Dharkan Se Pehlay, Dost Ko Dosti Se Pehlay, Pyar Ko Mohabbat Se Pehlay, Khushi Ko Gham Se Pehlay, Or Aapko 1 Din Pehlay, ""HAPPY VALENTIN'S DAY""

---

Valentine Day isn't jus' about hearts cupid red roses & lil heart shaped boxes Its's also 'bout friendship & togetherness & one time of...

---

A friend like you is like a precious gem ... hard to find ... difficult to part with & treasured forever .... Happy Valentine's Day ! to a Frnd who's...

---

What is common b/w good friends & Valentine's? they fill the heart with love & smiles ! Happy Valentine's Day to my friend who brightens up so many...

---

Your Friendship is like a Diamond ... true and rare. thanks for being a gem of a friend to me! Happpy Valentine's Day!

---

Whenever i talk to , i feel a whole lot happier, you just know how to lift up my spirit ... in a nutshell. I Feel lucky to have a friend like you! Happy Valentine's Day.

---

You got a new Messges .... Day & Night & all da moments in B/W .... all i do is think of U ! happy Valentine's Day

---

No shadows to depress u, only joys to surround u, friends to luv u, and God himself to bless u. These r my wishes for today, tomorrow & everyday...

---

What the heart gives away is never gone, but kept in the hearts of others, from dusk to dawn. Love you from the core of my heart. Be my Valentine.

---

Valentines Day is a day of love, so mum, I want to say that no-one gives more love than you; You brighten everyday. You deserve my undying love, You earned it from the start. So on Valentines Day I give to you. A very special place in my heart!

---

Perfact love is not receiving, it is giving and forgiving. perfact love is not red roses on valentine day, its the rest of 364 days of knowing you love someone.

---

ROSE IS RED,EYES IS BLUE,YOU LOVE ME AND,I LOVE YOU. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

---

What the heart gives away is never gone, but kept in the hearts of others, from dusk to dawn. Love you from the core of my heart. Be my Valentine.

---

Could you say where the sea ends from the shore...? " MY LOVE IS SAME FOR U." [Will u be my Valentine?]

---

Every time i miss you, a star falls. So if you ever look up at the sky and the stars are gone, its because you made me miss you too much! Be my Valentine!

---

DREAMING of you makes my night worth while THINKING of you makes me * smile * HAVING you is the best thing ever, and LOVING you is what i plan to do...forever. Happy Valentine's Day.

---

"Near ones r not dear" "Dear ones r not near" It is easy to remember the near ones. But... Very difficult to forget the dear ones. HAPPY Valentine's Day.

---

White-silent Blue-cool Red-reserved pink-lovely voilet-naughty brown-isolated orange-hot black-smart grey-talkative Which colour u think suits me? Reply soon my valentine..

---

"I'm enthralled by your beauty, mesmerized by your charisma and spellbound by your love. No wonder I am always thinking about you. I wish to celebrate every Valentine with you. Happy Valentine's Day.

---

 BE MINE VALLENTINE I AM SENDING YOU THIS VALENTINE WISH WITH HUGS AND KISSESS ,TOO ; CAUSE THERE,S A PLACE HERE IN MY NEART THAT,S MAD FOR ONLY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

THERES,S SO SOMETHING ABOUT VALENTINE;S DAY THAT REALLY TURNS ME ON .............. YOU......YOU....YOU..... I LOVE YOU ON VALLENTINES DAY WITH ALL MY HEART...........

---

...........TO MY................... .........VALENTINE............... ....I LOVE YOU SO COMPLEETLY..... ......OUR LOVE IS A DEEP......... ........AS THE OCEAN............. ....AS HIGH AS THE STARS........ .............AND................. ,,,,,,,,,AS SPECIAL,,,,,,,,,,,, .,.,.,.,.AS THE SKY.,.,.,.,.,..

---

i ve searched my heart for dawords 2 say just how much u mean 2 mi.u r al of God's Blessings rolled into one.my dreams,my desires,my evening,my sun,my evening walking moment,my hpes en my fears,mydisillusion, my contentment,my joy nd my tears. But most important of all,i tank God when i pray bcoz u mke every moment my VALENTINE DAY.

---

If there were no words No way to speak I would still here you If there were no tears No it to feel inside I would still feel for you And even if the sun refuse to shine Even if all ends ran out Love I would still have you here Until the end of time All I need is you my VALENTINE.

---

On Valentine's Day, I'm thinking about the special ways you have made my life better. The little things, the not-so-little things... Your kindness, the way you always listen and pay attention to me. You make my world brighter and richer. You're a gift to me, and I thank you for being you.

---

You're Still a Valentine Once upon a time in ages past you had a heart you thought would last, But then it faded and now you're free and I hope it's you and me. A valentine from years gone by reminders from a bygone time, But on this day I bid to you sweet valentine from me to you.

---

There is only one thing I wish to say There is only one day left for Valentine day Let all the lovers of the world unite Let there be peace and love in everyone's sight Let the kisses flow smoothly like a stream Let everyone meet the men and women of their dreams Let everyone get a lovers valentine card Even sending one yourself is not very hard This day of love when you cannot say no Telling your sweetheart that you love them so Say it with flowers and say it with all your love Say it with chocolates or with two white doves Just show all your love on Valentine Day

---

On this day made just for lovers something weighs heavily on my mind yet still I have to question~ Will you be my valentine? There will be no roses delivered no chocolates that taste divine yet none of that matters to me~ Will you be my valentine? There will be no jewelry received from you to me~ that suits me just fine all I want from you is your heart Will you be my valentine? On this day made just for lovers you'll give me your heart, I'll give you mine yet still I have to question Will you be my valentine?

---

Funny Valentine! Where are you? How will you come to me? In a red box, the softness of A teddy bear or the tenderness of A kiss? The security of a hug, the snug warm Feeling of love? You seem sooo far away! I think about you when I close my eyes And even when I open them in the morning. It may not be Valentine's Day everyday But with you. just know your My love supply. My Funny Valentine!

---

 May you find that special someone On this Valentine's Day For I send my heart and love to you From very far away Let light shine upon you On your beautiful face And let a smile show That no one can erase You are my Special Valentine And to the world it will be known Regardless of your outcome Today you will not be alone Smile little or smile big Just as long as you are mine So don't show me a frown Because I am your Valentine Happy Valentine's Day

---

What do you give a lady so sweet? Who makes my existence so complete. Should She get a Long-stemmed Rose? Perhaps some very heartfelt pros? A store-bought card with another's word? Anything that's purchased seems absurd. I would give you the World if it were mine, For now, take my heart, and be My Valentine. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

---

Valentine day is not too far away Everyone is waiting for their cards presents and chocolates galore Lovers waiting for their valentine cards to come through the door Chocolates perfumes and colourful flowers Lovers waiting and pining for many precious hours Valentine romantic candle light dinners To get to your lovers heart they are the winners A table for two just me and you A quick drink and kisses that's all to come Valentine day is here and tomorrow it's gone!!! This special day is so welcoming and dear This special day comes only once a year Many get married on Valentine day Many elope and hide away Whatever you do on Valentine day Please don't get emotionally carried away For lovers their will only be him and only be you Look into each others eyes and say I love you Happy Valentine Day to everyone

---

Wondering what my Valentine lover Will give me on Valentine's day Will it be a trip abroad? Will it be money for me to hoard? Will it be a diamond ring? Will it be two lovebirds to happily sing? Will it be a brand new car? Will he reach up for the bewitching stars? No my Valentine lover Had cupid's dart He aimed the dart Towards my heart My Valentine lover gave me his heart In return I gave him mine To keep with him Till the end of time Yes; my Valentine lover gave me his heart!

---

OOH, IT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE CAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST VALENTINE I CAN CALL YOU MINE OUR FIRST VALENTINE IS MEANT FOR YOU AND I THE VALENTINE THAT IS SPECIAL TO THE TWO PEOPLE THAT LOVE EACHOTHER MORE AND MORE EACH DAY FOREVER MORE TO LIVE TO LOVE EACHOTHER FOR LIFE IT IS THE VALENTINE WE CAN CALL OUR OWN I LOVE YOU YOU LOVE ME OUR VERY FIRST VALENTINE SOON TO COME TRUE FEBRUARY 14, 2007, IS THE DAY I ASK YOU I ASK YOU TO BE MY VALENTINE TELLING YOU I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY WORLD AND EVERYTHING THAT I DO I DO FOR YOU CAUSE THE LOVE I HOLD FOR YOU IS TRUE AND TO YOU IT ALWAYS WILL BE HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY AND WILL YOU BE MINE

---

V....is for Valentine ; you are my only Valentine A.....is for I will Always be yours L.....is for Love at its most extreme E.....is for Everlasting love ; Ecstatic love. N.....is for Never-ending love T.....is for we will Always be Together forever I.....is for you being Intelligent and Innocent; N....is 4 Natures naughty way of saying I luv you to E.....is for Eternity our love is so ever lasting .

---

Which is why I have a smile. Because you are mine, I would go that extra mile. For you are my valentine, I will always love you with all my heart. Because you just shine, Except for when we have to part. My valentine, I think you will like your gift. Because you are Davine, And asked for it. For you are my valentine, And you will always be. I take that as a sign, Because I have given you a key. My valentine, That key is to my heart. And I wouldn't have given it to you, If you weren't my valentine.

---

If you were my valentine I'd search the endless skies to find the perfect starlight that would compliment your eyes and keep it in a wishing well created just for you and filled with my desires to make all your dreams come true

---

if you were my valentine I'd find the softest rose to gently brush against those sweetest lips, the angels chose my heart is like a flower craving for your morning kiss mere words cannot pay homage to a passion such as this

---

if you were my valentine I'd treasure every day the arms that open to me and the tender words you say I can't imagine dreaming of another soul so sweet for, if your were my valentine my life would be complete...

---

 I have searched my heart For the words to say just how much u mean to me You are all of God's Blessings rolled into one. My dreams,My desires,My evening,My sun. My evening walking moment, my hopes and my fears, My disillusion,My contentment,My joy nd My tears. But most important of all, I thank God when i pray bcoz u make every moment MY VALENTINE DAY.

---

U r unique U r caring & U r the best…. N I’m d luckiest to Have U in my life! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY MY SWEET HEART!

---

Hi baby u know when i say 'i miss u' it,s alwayes old one for me, but when u say 'i love u...' really darling it,s alwayes new for me.

---

My valentine, Why would I bring you chocolate when you are the treat. My valentine, Why would I bring you flowers when your smell is what's sweet. My valentine, Why would I buy you a card when the words can be heard through me. My valentine, Why would I take you out some place when all I need is to see your face. My valentine, Why would I celebrate this on one special day, When I can do it always.

---

My valentine, Why would I bring you chocolate when you are the treat. My valentine, Why would I bring you flowers when your smell is what's sweet. My valentine, Why would I buy you a card when the words can be heard through me. My valentine, Why would I take you out some place when all I need is to see your face. My valentine, Why would I celebrate this on one special day, When I can do it always.

---

Be My Valentine This may be a little silly, But I have a question for you, Will you be my valentine? 'Cause no one else will do... I know you are my boyfriend But will you be my valentine? I can't think of anyone else I'd want to have as mine... No one else gives me the tingles The way you always do, So, will you be my valentine? So I can share this with you... No one has ever kissed me And sent chills down my spine, Until the night you kissed me, So, please be my valentine... Like I said this is silly, But I have one last question for you... If you agree to be my valentine, Can I be yours too?

---

Valentine's. Valentine's mean to spend time with the one u luv Valentin's! Mean that kisses,huges,smiles and candy Valentine's! Today is the day me and u will betogether with luv on Valentine's! My luv is true never blue all about u.Why.Cause Valentine's! Roses could be red violet's maybe blue But my Roses R .True 2 u on Valentine's............

---

Every day I come to school; I spend a lot of time Learning all the things you teach, Which is the reason I'm Sending you this Valentine; It's meant to let you know I'm happy you're my teacher And I want to tell you so! Happy Valentine's Day To my favorite teacher!

---

On Valentine's Day, the day of affection, My thoughts naturally turn in your direction. I think of many things, big and small That you've given to me and given your all. You see me always in the kindest light; You're a glow in my life, golden and bright. I'm thankful for the happy ties that bind Me to you in our family, and I'd like to remind You of all the special memories I treasure. Having you in my life is nothing but pleasure! You're a walking example of how to live, How to share, how to teach, how to love, how to give. Please accept this Valentine poem, warm from the heart of your Love.

---

On Valentine's Day we think about Those matchless people who Give extra meaning to our lives-- The very special few. Without them, skies would turn to gray, Things wouldn't be the same, Life wouldn't be as colorful, It would be a duller game, And when I contemplate that group-- Friends and family who are mine, I appreciate and treasure you, You're essential, Valentine!

Marriage Jokes

Marriage Jokes

 

☻Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).

☻Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.

☻A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

☻A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

☻There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."



☻Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

☻Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!

☻Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole



☻The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes...

☻The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

☻Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

☻A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

☻There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!

☻I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...

☻Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

☻One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

☻What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

☻Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

☻After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

☻I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

☻I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward

☻Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

☻The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

☻A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

☻A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne

☻Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. - Unknown

☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

☻Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith

☻There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

☻The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde

☻An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

☻Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams

☻A husband's last words should always be 'OK buy it'.

☻They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood

☻There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - Clint Eastwood

☻The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake - Unknown.

☻A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

☻Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx

☻After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

☻A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

☻The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henry Youngman

☻Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West

☻The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him - Cher

☻I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann

☻I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

☻I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker

☻When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

☻Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

☻Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

☻By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

☻A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland

☻Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

☻All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. - Lord Byron

☻Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman

☻Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

☻My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

☻I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

☻I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow

☻Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

☻To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding celebrations...

☻To the NewlyWeds: May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.

☻To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage
...Here's to good sense of humor and a short memory!

☻Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"

☻You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.

☻May the best of your past be the worst of your future

☻Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most of yours be between the sheets!

☻May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness and fulfilment

☻To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!

☻Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

☻May you grow old on one pillow.

☻Dear [bride's name],

☻Isn't it quite funny how History repeats itself?
[Bride's Age] years ago your Mother and Father were putting you to bed with a dummy...and now it's happening all over again

☻I've known many,
Liked not a few,
Loved only one,
I toast to you

☻Here's to the bride - may she share everything with her husband...and that includes the housework.

☻To the Bride and Groom - may the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out

☻To the Bride and Groom - live life to the fullest and remember, this is the first day of the rest of your life...

☻To my wife...my bride...my joy

☻May your joys be as deep as the Ocean, and your troubles as light as its foam.

☻May we never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

☻A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Here's to you, my beautiful bride.

☻May our children be blessed with rich parents

☻Here's to my bride: she knows everything about me, yet loves me just the same.

Chak De India!

Love Jokes

 

LOVE Jokes

 

☻YOUR SMILE

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.



☻ WHO YOU ARE

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.



☻ I'M STILL ALIVE...

TaLk 2 me wHen i'm boReD, kiSS me wHen i'm saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i'm sTill Alive...



☻ IN LOVE WITH YOU

It is not being in love that makes me happy... but is being in love with YOU that makes me happy.



☻ TRULY LOVE

It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don't ever let go.



☻ CHER|SH...

Cherish the person you love, never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you won't know how important they are until they are out of your life...



☻POEM OR RHYME?

Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time...



☻ 2NITE WITH ME

A sMiLe tO pUt You On HiGh... A KisS To Set YoUr SouL ALriGhT... WouLd iT bE aLriGhT iF I spEnT ToNiTe BeiNg LovED bY YoU???



☻LOVE YOU

Never WasTe an OppOrtuniTy 2 sAy 'I LoVe U' to Someone u ReaLLy Like, Coz it is noT EvEryDaY u'll mEEt tHe PerSoN WhO hAs tHe MaGic 2 lEt u fAll iN love...



☻ TRUE LOVE

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.



☻ FRIENDS 4 LIFE

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!



☻: FIRST SIGHT

FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe's SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and' WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~



☻ VALUE OF LOVE

LovE is Not HoW LonG U've BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U've GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U've HeLpEd EaCh OthEr --- Its HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr...



☻: STILL LOVING U

i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î'M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î'll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE YOU ßût í'Vé tó SaY gooDbYê...



☻ NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO

Don't regret what you've did, but regret what you never did, go and say 'I LOVE U' to your loved one!



☻ LOVE IS SO CONFUSING

Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?



☻ REALITY

Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.



☻WHY IS HE NOT MINE...

wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...



☻ NOT TOO YOUNG

No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.



☻ I FOUND U

Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.



☻ IT HURTS

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.



☻ FORGET YOU

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.



☻ IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last.



☻ FALL IN LOVE

People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again



☻ LOVE IS TO THINK

Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.



☻IN LOVE WITH YOU

There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.



☻: SOMEONE ELSE

The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.



☻ OUT OF MY CONTROL

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.



☻ HEART TO CIRCLE

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.



☻: WHO

I'd rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I'm not

☻ TRY TO FORGET

Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.



☻ ADVICE ON LIVING

Dance like no one's watching; sing like no one's listening; love like you can't get hurt, and live like there's no tomorrow.



☻ QUICKSAND

LoVe iS LiKe QuiCkSanD - ThE DeEpEr yOu FaLL iN iT ThE HaRdeR iT iS tO GeT OuT.



☻ IN MY ARMS

You showed me how it is to be loved. Now I know what really love is. 1 day we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.



☻ WHAT IS TRUE

There's a warmth in my heart. It haunts me when U R gone. Mend me 2 ur side and never let go. The more I live The more I know, wat's simple is true, I love you.



☻ FLAME OF YOURS

I feel something in my heart, it's like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights up, this flame is special for you, because I LOVE YOU!



☻ If love were to be taxed,
I would be the highest tax payer.


☻you can't buy Love... but you can pay heavily. 


☻Common sense is common, but... the use of common sense is uncommon !!!!


☻Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver.


☻You need Money to call someone Honey.


☻My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so i got two Girlfriends.


☻We can see more Grafitti's in girls toilet , WHY ?
Because their both hands are free.


☻Definitions :

Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.

Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills, 
and kills by his bills.

LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy

WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever

Chak De India!

Liners Jokes

Liners Jokes

☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you? 

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...! 

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal! 

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H 

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found. 

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r. 

☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text! 

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost! 

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias! 

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! 

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you 

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it. 

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone 

☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken! 

☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok! 

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else. 

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative. 

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him. 

☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too... 

☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :) 

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU! 

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key. 

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. 

☻Nope.....u still ugly! 

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty. 

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come. 

☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.' 

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u. 

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass. 

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer. 

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away! 

☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. 

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM! 

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻You are here: X 

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block. 

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy. 

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? 

☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole! 

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. 

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. 

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything. 

☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? 

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.' 

☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???" 

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game! 

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between! 

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS! 

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX! 

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number.... 

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply! 

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides. 

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. 

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. 

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. 

☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. 

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide. 

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women. 

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me. 

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here??? 

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch 

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me 

☻Mind intentionally left blank... 

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem 

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be. 

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before. 

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. 

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times. 

☻Born Free........Taxed to Death. 

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found 

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip. 

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now... 

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. 

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' 

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

☻Celibacy is not hereditary


☻Familiarity breeds children


☻Life is sexually transmitted


☻We do precision guesswork


☻Born free . . . Taxed to death


☻If it's too loud, you're too old


☻Common sense isn't common


☻Nothing succeeds like excess


☻Do pilots take crash-courses?


☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is


☻The older I get, the older old is


☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros


☻A closed mouth gathers no feet


☻Do witches run spell checkers?


☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder


☻Allow me to introduce my selves


☻A feature is a bug with seniority


☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?


☻Justice: A decision in your favor


☻Strip mining prevents forest fires


☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind


☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed


☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?


☻Today's subliminal message is . . .


☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. 

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. 

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. 

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion


☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert


☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant


☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes


☻The best things in life aren't things


☻I like feminists; I think they're cute


☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable


☻Does killing time damage eternity?


☻How can there be self-help groups?


☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy


☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy


☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else


☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving


☻Exceptions always outnumber rules


☻Adults are just kids who owe money


☻All stressed out and no one to choke


☻Constipated people don't give a crap


☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it


☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy


☻Never miss a good chance to shut up


☻All computers wait at the same speed


☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder


☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?


☻How come night falls but day breaks?


☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?


☻If we quit voting will they all go away?


☻Is it time for your medication or mine?


☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)


☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter


☻When all else fails manipulate the data


☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo


☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation


☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story


☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw


☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert


☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier


☻When money talks, the criminal walks

Chak De India!

Funny Saying

Funny Saying

☻Lights on, door open, nobody at home

☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

☻He's as bent as a butchers hook

☻He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

☻About as subtle as a flying brick

☻She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum



☻She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

☻She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

☻About as interesting as watching paint dry

☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard

☻I've seen better hands on a clock

☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

☻He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

☻She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

☻She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

☻She's as fit as a butchers dog

☻She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

☻As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks

☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

☻This guy is all foam, no beer.

☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

☻A legend in his own mind...

☻He's an expert on padded cells.

☻He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!

Chak De India!

Funny Phrases

Funny Phrases

☻As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

☻She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

☻She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

☻He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

☻She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

☻She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!



☻He's tighter than a photo finish.

☻He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

☻He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.

☻He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

☻He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.

☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

☻It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

☻She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

☻You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

☻She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

☻As rare as a Blonde virgin

☻I've seen more hair on a billiard ball

☻He's as camp as a row of tents

☻I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

☻They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

☻You could park a bike on that bum

☻He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

☻He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

☻They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

Chak De India!

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!

Chak De India!

Friendship Jokes

Friends Jokes

☻FRIENDSHIP TEST...

thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe...



☻FRIENDS

True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.



☻F.U.C.K

REMEMBER: if u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz F.U.C.K stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever, & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!



☻FRIENDSHIP IS....

FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!



☻ PRICELESS GIFT

FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!



☻SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED

If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!



☻ COMPARE

FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...



☻FRIENDS 4 LIFE

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!



☻COMPUTER

A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!



☻FRIENDS ALWAYS

In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!



☻ANGEL FRIENDS

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.



☻OUT OF MY CONTROL

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.



☻ MEMORY LASTS FOREVER

A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.



☻ FRIENDSHIP

The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.



☻ NEVER SPLIT

I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again.



☻NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS

I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.



☻ WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U

EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U...



☻ BEHIND YOU

DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall...



☻ NAKED

GUY: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. GAL: If I see you naked, I'd probably die laughing.



☻ MAKING LOVE

After making love, wat r u tryin to say? I love u? Wrong! 1 more time? Wrong. U r so pretty?Wrong. I'm so tired? Wrong! The answer is tissue...tissue...plsss!!!



☻KISS

A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. what is a kiss without a tongue.



☻PAINTING

A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.



☻FALLING APART

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.



☻HOME EARLY

1 day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'



☻ NEVER LOSE ME!

We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!



☻BEST FREN

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.



☻SHOOTING STARS

The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!!



☻ KEEPING A FRIEND

KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping U..



☻ PROMISE

We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE!



☻FLOWER

If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!



☻ A RING

A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend.



☻WONDERFUL FRIEND

There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!



☻WAT U SEE

Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!



☻ FATE 2B FRIENDS

A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us.



☻ WHAT YOU SAY

Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say...



☻ FRIENDSHIP MEANS...

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha



☻ ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU...

Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you...



☻ LEAVING FOOTPRINTS

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.



☻AS LONG AS....

As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.



☻ MY BRA

a gd friend is like a gd bra... hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, and always close to the heart..... HELLO MY GD BRA :)



☻ PRICETAGS

GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!



☻OLD FRIENDS

Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us... i get BETTER, u get OLDER.



☻ PATH OF FRIENDSHIP

The sun is glazing, upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! :)



☻ NIGHT PRAYER

Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.



☻ABOUT ME

Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, Spontaneous, Good Looking, Nice Friends, Charming, Funny, well... Enough about ME! How about you?



☻ GOOD TASTE

A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as ur FRIEND is a form of.. ehem GOOD TASTE!



☻ BE MY FRIEND

If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.



☻ RULES TO BE HAPPY

6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND



☻ FRIENDS

Time might lead me to nowhere; Fate might break me apart; I'll always be thankful that once, along my life's journey I found a friend like U...



☻KISS MY ASS

The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The morning dew may kiss the grass,But u my friend can kiss my ass!



☻RING

I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....



☻ FRIENDS LIKE HAIR

Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.



☻NICE FRIENDS

A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams...

Chak De India!

Erotic Jokes

Erotic Jokes

☻3 GOOD MANNERS

3 good manners of male penis. 1)Courteous-it stands before performing. 2)Emotional-it cries during the performance. 3)Polite-it bows down after the performance.



☻MISTAKES

Learn from your parents' mistakes - Use birth control!



☻ PICTURE

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.



☻MAN

Today, in style are small cars, watches, skirts and mobile-phones... It will come the time when SMALL PENIS will be in style, and then you will be the man!!!



☻ COCUNUT

What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle? Answer: 'COCUNUT'



☻ SHOWTIME

Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME! 

☻LEFT LEG, RIGHT LEG

What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.



☻SEX MACHINE

When im dead and in my grave, no more pussy i will crave. And upon my headstone will be seen, here lies the bones of a f**king machine.



☻ SEX ON TEXT

Press down... down more... Ok more... YES ahh ohh yes... almost there... yeah oh shit harder... SO GOOD...! mmmmm... That's how I sex on text!



☻ CARS

Man1: my wife is obsess w/ cars. While asleep, she holds my bird & say 'Ferari,Porsche...' Man2: mine is worst, she puts my bird inside her & say 'Full Tank pls.'



☻ DEPRESSED

A girl asked, why cow seems depressed when being milked? Teacher: if every morning they rub yours 4 30 minutes and don't f**k u, u will feel the same?



☻ BAR STOOL

How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar? Turn the bar stool upside down.



☻VIAGRA

CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION. As of May 2001 Viagra will only be available through chemists by its chemical name.So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN. Thank you



☻ WE CAN MULTIPLY

Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract ur clothes, divide your legs and we can multiply!



☻ SNOW WHITE

*NEWSFLASH* Snow white had been chucked out of Disney Land. She was reported 2 hav pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio's face and shouted, 'LIE BASTARD LIE'



☻ GLOW IN THE DARK

I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark



☻ PENIS & BALLS

Penis & Balls arguing. Balls: Hey, U r very unfair! Everytime u go in u never bring us along, only u enjoy! Penis: Eh, U think its fun? I always keep vomiting!



☻ STUPID PYJAMAS

Last night I desperately missed you I wanted to feel u on my naked body. I had to go to bed without you....where are u stupid pyjamas.....!



☻BRUSH MY TEETH

I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh.. and creates a creamy foamy liquid as it thrusts in and out, up and down... Can’t wait to brush my teeth



☻ RING

I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....



☻ DUMB

What is the dumbest part on a man's body? The penis. It has a head with no brain, it hangs out with two nuts and it lives around the corner from an asshole!



☻ SAGGY BOOB

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts!



☻ BLOW JOB

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job!



☻ COVER ME

What did the Dick say to the Condom? 'Cover me!!! I'm going in...'

☻ TITS DAIRY

I'd willingly fertilize Mary, And watch for 9 months her shape vary, From the very first day, To the child-birth display, When her tits would turn into a dairy.


☻Suspense how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!

☻Statistics At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

☻Farmer Joneshas farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag

☻Gary Gliter *Newsflash*
The FA have just announced garly gliter the next England Coach.
The appontment collapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15's

☻Ba Ba White Sheep ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

☻Leather Heather there was a young girl called heather,whos cunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

☻Little Miss Drugy little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed along came a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed.

☻Jack and Jill Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill said "WOW WOT A WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT PROPER

☻IRA what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you run cause he's got a grenade in his mouth

☻Dear Mammy love annie There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it's sick.

☻Cock Sucker Detecotor This is a cock sucker detector
Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....
The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...
COCK SUCKER !!

☻Pink Vagina Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

☻Red Riding Hood Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so i can suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

☻Fuck for money sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

Chak De India!

Decent Jokes

Decent Jokes

☻ KNOWING YOURSELF

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you. 

☻ WHO YOU TRUST

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.



☻ GRATEFUL

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.



☻ WASTING YOUR TIME

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.



☻YOUR SMILE

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.



☻ YOU CAN'T...

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.



☻ BEAUTIFUL MOON

I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again.. ;)



☻ TYPE OF EGGS

There r 6 types eggs. Chicken egg = ji dan, Duck egg = ya dan, Bomb = zha dan, Person readin dis = hun dan, if u r smilin nw = chun dan & if angry = ben dan.



☻ VALUE OF LIFE

The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about.



☻ MEN!

Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN!



☻ FRIENDSHIP MEANS...

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha



☻ HEARTBREAKS

Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and Cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

Chak De India!